


red-haired boy

by spicedbreeze



Category: Liv and Maddie
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:49:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28581531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicedbreeze/pseuds/spicedbreeze
Summary: rewrite of grandma-a-rooney between joey and artie.joey and artie are hosting a comet party to let the stars decide their true love; however, that might be someone unexpected.
Relationships: Joey Rooney/Artie Smalls
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	red-haired boy

**Author's Note:**

> i have noticed a SEVERE severe lack of joey rooney/artie smalls fanfiction on the internet (by lack i mean i found absolutely nothing) and it's disturbing to me that most of the liv and maddie fanfic on the internet is disturbing incest, so i decided to put this out there. i wrote it some time ago after sitting down to watch this show with my younger sister. joey rooney, to me, screams bisexual and i am so pissed that he ended up with willow even for a short time period. artie and joey's chemistry was actually insane and i believe that rage fanfic of this sort is the best type of fanfic so here you go.

Joey was struggling to breathe carrying all his textbooks when he stopped right in front of the minions.

“Minions.” he said, sneering. “He’s near.” 

Joey quickly turned around only to bump into Artimus Prime himself.

“I’m always closer than you think, Joseph.” Artie says. "But perhaps too close.” 

“Yeah too close.” Joey said. He took a step back. He didn't know why Artie was approaching him. 

“Yo man, if this is about watching the McGilroy Mimen JK113 comet with my sweet telescope, wish upon another star."

The comet is called the lovers comet. They say whomever you’re with when it reaches its apex is destined to be your true love. Last time it came around, Joey was 7 and eating fruit peelers.

“Joseph, we’d be fools not to capitalize on this comet by throwing a party and packing it with women so we can meet our soulmates.” Artie said.

“So why would I want to throw a party with you?” Joey said.

“Hmm. how do I put this tactfully...when it comes to women, both of us fish from the same stream.” Artie says. “This comet is a chance for us to plunge our hands in the water like powerful grizzly bears and pull out the salmon of our dreams.” 

“Not gonna lie, I’ve lost the metaphor.” Joey said.

“The girls are the salmon, we’re the bears, the stream is your backyard.” 

“Just say it that way next time.” 

~ 

It was fourth period, aka Joey's study hall period. Him and Artie were out in the hallway by the Paulie statue. 

“So, what girls should we invite to the party of the century?” Joey asked.

“Whoa, what about her? Two handed reader. I’m guessing she doesn’t have plans.” Artie says, referring to Alex walking across the hallway in a plaid skirt reading 2 books at once. 

“That’s Alex, she’s in my robotics class.” Joey said. “We have a bit of a flirtationship.”

Artie chuckled. “Lock it down, son.” He nudged Joey towards Alex. 

Joey laughed nervously. “Hey, Alex. I was wondering if you, uh, wanted to come as my date to my comet party tonight?” 

“That doesn’t sound unpleasant.” she said. “I can come by after my social interaction class.” She walked away and Joey ran back over to Artie.

“Oh, hell yes!” he says, jumping up and down. 

“This is the perfect plan! Now go get another.” Artie says. 

“What? No, dude. I just got a date," Joey said, visibly confused.

“One date? Come on, this is you, Joey. How do you know she’ll even show up? You have to get as many as you can, and let the comet decide your love. Ooh, what about her? I don’t know her name, but I know she drinks 2 chocolate milks at lunch.” Artie says, motioning to Samantha across the common room. 

“That is Samantha. She’s in the drama club. She’s like, super into Shakespeare.”

“Well, go get her super into you.” Artie said while pushing Joey towards her. 

Joey coughed nervously. “Milady.” he said. He bowed , unsure if that was the proper Shakespeare etiquette.

“Oh, good sir!” she said, smiling. 

“Wouldeth thou care to accompany me to a celestial event a casa Rooney come evening tide?” Joey said, stammering. 

“Oh, and be at thy side as the heavens swoon and decide our fates? Grantest thee this boon I shall, kind sir.” 

“Is that a yes?” Joey said timidly. 

“Yeah,” Samantha said, her eyes smiling. They both bowed again and Joey walked back over to Artie. 

“Brother, they should call you ‘butter’ because you are on a roll!” Artie said. Both the boys laugh. 

“I hear you’re having a party tonight,” a voice behind them said. They jumped and turned to see Brie. 

“She’s heard.” Artie whispered to Joey. “We have party buzz.” 

“Yeah, I was hoping you could come as my date.” Joey said. He didn't know how he had managed to say that. Usually he couldn't talk to girls at all, and here he was, locking down a third date . 

“Great, I’ll see you there!” she said with a sly smile. “I’ll make sure I get there before the apex.” 

They both giggled, Joey looking especially giddy. 

“Dude, I have 3 dates for my party!” Joey said excitedly once she’d left. 

“So far. To the band room.” Artie said. “The clarinet section is ripe for the picking.” 

~

It was the night of the party. Joey had set up snacks and fairy lights in the backyard along with some lawn chairs. Artie had gotten there 5 minutes before everyone else arrived so he didn't have to do any work. Typical. Artie always put himself first. Alex, Samantha, and Brie had arrived luckily 10 minutes apart of each other, along with some other band girls Artie had invited. Joey was surprised at the number of girls who had actually come. Most of them were the bottom tier of the social ladder though, as expected. 

Everything was going smoothly. Joey had spent a couple minutes talking to each of his dates, and Artie seemed to be slightly less egotistical that night. It was all going as planned. Until it wasn't. 

“Hi Joey,” a voice from behind him said. It was Willow. Of course it was Willow. 

Joey screamed. “Why are you here?” 

“I was invited,” she said. 

“Who would invite y-” Joey stopped mid sentence, gasping. He turned around to see Artie grinning smugly behind him. 

“Artie.” Joey said, equally shocked and annoyed. He should have seen this coming. 

“Present.” Artie said. The corners of his mouth turned into a sly, knowing smile. 

Joey walked across the room until he was face-to-face with Artie. “What did you do?” he whispered angrily. 

“Ohhh, was I not supposed to invite Willow thus ruining any chance you had with any of the other girls and leaving them all for me? Oops, my bad!” Artie smiled and started walking to the backyard. Joey sighed and turned back towards Willow. 

“Let’s go mingle in the backyard!” she said. 

“Or, we could stay right here!” Joey said, blocking the entrance. He had to make sure none of his dates (yes, multiple dates!!!) saw Willow. 

Willow sighed. “Okay Joey, I get it. You had a party and didn’t invite me. If you can’t see that we’re meant to be together, then I’m giving up. Goodbye, Joey.” Willow turned around and briskly walked out the door. Joey waited until she was out of earshot, then sighed in relief. He didn’t feel even an ounce of guilt, which was strange. Willow was obsessive, and Joey only put up with it because she was Maddie’s friend. He'd much rather spend the apex alone than with Willow, even if that meant it condemned him to perpetual loneliness. 

~

Out in the backyard, Artie was shooting his shot with Alex, Joey’s first date. They were discussing the periodic table, because apparently that’s all trademark nerd kids talk about on sitcoms because they have no other personality traits. 

“I still have a special thing for boron,” Alex said, robotically. Alex was the closest thing you could get to dating a robot, which might explain Joey’s and Artie’s fascination with her. 

“My favorite element is fluoride. Perhaps we should form a covalent bond.” Artie smirked. 

Alex just stared at him. “No offense Artie, but I was invited to share the comet apex with Joey. And I despise fluoride. And you.” 

Suddenly, Samantha walked over. “Wait a second. I was invited to share the comet apex with Joey.” 

To make matters worse, Brie walked over. “No, I was invited to share the apex with Joey!” 

Artie was laughing inside his head. His moment had come. “Ohhh, did that scoundrel invite 3 dates to share the apex? You must be crushed. My arms are open to comfort any or all of you.” 

Then Joey walked in. The girls glared at him. 

“...Heeeyyyyy,” Joey said quietly. It was all over. They clearly knew about Joey's (or rather, Artie's) plan. 

“Did you invite all 3 of us to watch the lovers comet with you?” Samantha asked. 

“Maybe?” Joey whispered sheepishly. 

“Statistically a good play. But hurtful.” Alex said. 

“Ladies, let’s bounce.” Brie motioned to the other two, and they all walked away. Joey closed his eyes so he didn’t have to witness Artie’s knowing stare. 

~

Artie and Joey were standing in the backyard with Joey’s telescope. Everyone had left.

“Well, this backyard smells of failure and solitude.” Artie said. “Minions, let’s be off.” He snapped his fingers and his 3 sidekicks started following him. 

"It only smells of 'failure' and 'solitude' because you convinced me to invite 3 dates so you could just mooch off my successes." 

"And it was a brilliant plan! Until you ruined it." 

"How did I ruin it? You even invited Willow. Every time I think that you actually care about me, you just turn everything around to benefit yourself! Do you even care about other people?" 

"Of course I do! Just not you." Artie sneered. He didn't mean that, but he had to keep up his image. It was a stupid reason, really, but Artie didn't know how else to act. He did care about Joey, he supposed. 

"I should have known. Just get out of my lawn. Go home. Go home and watch the comet with your mom. We all know you have no other friends." 

"You talk as if my minions are- wait, where are they?" Artie said. Apparently they'd all left mid-argument. 

"They probably got tired of hanging out with you." Joey rolled his eyes. "You deserve it. I don't think I've ever seen you do anything nice for another person." 

Artie opened his mouth to retaliate, but he couldn't say anything. He knew Joey was right. 

"Whatever Joey, I'm...sorry." Artie looked away. 

Joey was in shock. He wasn't expecting a sorry. Artie never apologized for anything. 

"Okay, I guess," Joey said. Hearing him say that actually made Joey feel a lot better.

"I don't know, I always feel like I have to keep one-upping you." 

"Why? You know we're both pretty much on the same social tier at school. Literally no one else cares." 

"I don't know. Maybe it's because I want to impress you," Artie hesitantly admitted. 

There was an awkward silence. Neither Joey nor Artie knew what to say next. 

"How much longer until the apex?" Artie asked. 

"According to my telescope, 3 minutes," Joey said. They both sat down on the grass. 

Joey looked at Artie. He was plucking blades of grass from the ground and chewing on his lips. His curly red hair was dancing in the breeze. The cool nighttime air was a totally different feeling. Joey felt a pit in his stomach all of a sudden. Him and Artie had been enemies, more like frenemies, for the past 5 years, ever since sixth grade. They had even formed a band together back then. Artie’s overinflated ego was often too much to deal with, and Joey and Artie had broken off their friendship in a huge fight. But even after that, they talked a lot during school and hung out. Although it was usually to brag about something or just to argue. They had a lot of the same interests- science, rocketry club, robots, geeky comics, video games. They were actually really compatible, when Artie occasionally decided to set aside his ego. Joey felt strange. He couldn't place what he was feeling, but he wasn't sure it was a good thing.

Suddenly Joey felt angry. Not necessarily at Artie, but at himself. He felt his stomach twist and turn. He didn't want to confirm the obvious. It was easier to ignore it. He urgently stood up and started to walk inside. 

"Wow, bailing on me? You're the one who even invited me," Artie said. 

"Just go home, whatever. I don't care." Joey was turning the doorknob of the porch door when suddenly Artie grabbed his hand, spun him around, and kissed him. 

Initially, Joey didn't know how to react. He was still processing the entire incident. Not in a million years did he think this is how he would be spending tonight. By the time he'd recovered from the initial shock, Artie had pulled away. Joey opened his mouth, but forgot what he was going to say. He looked at Artie, whose cheeks were bright red and not just because it was chilly. 

"That was...unexpected?" Joey said.

Artie avoided Joey's eyes. He'd acted on impulse, and he wasn't sure that was the right thing to do. 

"That doesn't mean I didn't like it." 

Artie looked up hopefully. Joey smiled. He grabbed Artie's hand and they sat down to watch the comet, but as a couple this time. 


End file.
